Hey there, looking for a little Foul Paul! in your life today? Well too bad, you get me today. Where is he you ask? Well, let’s speculate.
Theory 1: I locked him in a closet and ate the key
Who eats keys? Plus, Paul and I live thousands of miles apart and I just don’t have the time to lock people in closets all the way over there.
Theory 2: He passed out from excitement over Andrew Wiggins’ suit last night.
The NBA, where guys dress real fly, yo.
Theory 3: He passed out from confusion on why ESPN insists on bringing in fashion experts on SportsCenter.
Seriously ESPN, when will it stop? It started off with analyzing press conferences and now we’re doing drafts as well. Is there a level worse than jumping the shark? But if you’re going to bring in these experts keep them of the female variety with long legs. I like those.
Theory 4: He’s running around Oakland trying to find Scott Kazmir’s secret elixir.
This search will probably lead him to Bartolo Colon’s house in the Dominican, in which case we may never see Paul again.
So there you have it. Four solid theories and no answers — yet. Let the speculation begin! Hell, that’s what the comment section is for right? In his absence, please enjoy my 2014 All-Suck Team. Oh, and while you read have this play in the background to set the mood.
Batting Average — Chris Carter, 1B, HOU — .187 BA
Carter is really good at hitting for a low batting average. He’s also not a very shrewd trader. This year he’s traded some line drives for more fly balls but of those fly balls he picked out the infield variety. No, no, no Carter. You wanted to avoid the one’s marked “IFFB” — that doesn’t stand or infinitely far fly balls.
On Base Percentage — Nate Schierholtz, OF, CHC — .254 OBP
If you had to drill baseball down to the most basic task a hitter needs to do it’s get on base. So congratulations Nate, you suck at the most basic thing! Remind me why you are starting again? Oh right, you play on the Cubs.
Slugging Percentage — Will Venable, OF, SD — .278 SLG
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought Venable’s appeal was his sneaky 20/20 potential?! Now you’re telling me that he has fewer home runs and fewer steals than Everth Cabrera? Look on the bright side, you have infinity more home runs than Norichika Aoki’s zero. By the way, the Padres have led their lineup with this guy and his .197 BA/.261 OBP for three-straight games.
Isolated Power — Ben Revere, OF, PHI — .057 ISO
Congrats on hitting your first ever home run, Benny. Your power still sucks.
Strikeout Percentage — Danny Espinosa, 2B, WAS — 33.8 K%
Espinosa has been teetering around the 30.0 K% mark his entire career and he finally did it! Not only that, but he’s top dog now. It’s a good thing he’s providing good power, plenty of walks, and some RBI to offset all those strikeouts. Oh wait.
Walk Percentage — Chris Johnson, 3B, ATL — 2.7 BB%
Talk a walk for me one time Chris! Johnson’s BABIP is like Justin Bieber’s good looks and abs. One day it will all fade away and then what will you be left with? Just millions upon millions of dollars.
Maybe one week we’ll do pitchers as well. Until then…
Make sure you read next week’s Foul Whoever! or else we’ll shut off the comments section on all future Foul Paul!s