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Foul Paul! Court Edition

There were many disappointing players in 2013. Many people lost their leagues because of players like B.J. Upton, Ike Davis, and Starlin Castro. Behaving in a civil manner, lets do what most Americans do when something doesn’t go their way. Lets go to court!

1. The Curious Case of B.J. Upton

Charges: General Terribleness, Falsifying Busting Out of a Slump, Hitting the DL (Ironically the only thing he hit all year)

Upton is the most guilty offender from the 2013 season.

Upton is the most guilty offender from the 2013 season.

Evidence: .184 BA ,9 HR, 12 SB, .557 OPS, 34% K-Rate

The Case: What the hell? I don’t know if the Upton family spent too much time clubbing with Aaron Hernandez during the season or if they kicked a gypsy on their way to Atlanta, but clearly something weird went on with these two idiots this season. While B.J. is the one on trial here, his brother was definitely an accomplice to these crimes and will be forced to take the stand later.

B.J. struck out and struck out, then had a 2-homer game causing everyone to assume he busted out of his slump, then continued to strike out until the Braves had enough and Upton was placed on the DL with an “injury.” Falsifying busting out of your slump is a serious offense and it only adds to the list of charges against Upton.

Found: Astonishingly Guilty

Sentence: Will be suspect to trade rumors of him being sent to the Marlins but will never actually be dealt. Will also be forced to spend offseasons living in Detroit.

2. Even the Mets Don’t Like Ike

Charges: Failure to Appear in Majors All Season, Failure to Hit After a Strong 2nd Half the Season Before, Dressing Like a Douchebag, Providing False Hope to Owners by Way of Crushing AAA Pitching

*Jun 24 - 00:05*

Don’t commit the crime if you can’t do the time, Ike

Evidence: .205 BA, .129 ISO,  9 HR, 27% K-Rate

The Case: Davis followed up a stellar 2012 2nd half with the most Met-ish season ever. When Marlon Byrd and John Buck were your best offensive players and you yearn for the days of K-Rod being your closer, it was a rough year all around. Ike Davis was no exception. Davis was on many sleeper lists going into 2013 and promptly showed us why we should never trust a Met from a fantasy perspective (Johan Santana, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Jason Bay). He got sent down midseason and as nature goes, crushed triple-A pitching, giving owners false hope when he reverted back into a pumpkin as soon as he got called up.

He’ll get another shot with the Mets next season simply because they don’t have any better options. He’ll rightfully cost next to nothing on draft day, so feel free to place a foolish bet on a key member of the LOLMets.

Found: Not Guilty. The New York Mets are found to be at fault due to their extensive history of ruining careers.

Punishment: Mets fans will be forced to watch the Mets announcers sadly pan to Matt Harvey sitting in the dugout for the entirety of the 2014 season.

3. Missing: Starlin Castro’s Upside

Charges: Dissaperence of Skill Set, Accused of Not Hustling, Possession of Most Communist-Sounding Name Ever


20 bucks says Starlin Castro doesn’t know who that is

Evidence: .245 BA, 4.3 BB%, 44 RBI, 9 SB, Career-high 18% K-Rate, Forgetting Outs

The Case: Starlin Castro had the upside of a .330 hitter but is now looking more like Howie Kendrick than the superstar everyone was so sold on a few years ago. In all fairness, mad props for the all-out effort Castro gives on defense. That dude could not care less about your ERA, [insert pitcher here]. Castro is also becoming quite the clown on the ballfield. Though his head seems to be the equivalent of a gumball machine, he sure can hit that ball. Or so we thought. He struck out more and showed less pop all while stealing fewer bases. Things couldn’t have gotten any worse for the shortstop, but naturally, they did anyway. Castro and the Cubs have a very strange child-parent relationship.

Castro probably just needs a kick in the ass to revert to the talented shortstop he once was. Rumors are flying that the Cardinals are willing to part with a few of their young arms in order to acquire Castro. This seems like the Cubs are telling Castro “if you don’t shape up, young man, so help me, I will send you to military school!”

Found: Guilty, although despite a birth certificate stating he is 23, the court still tries Castro as a minor.

Punishment: Chicago Cubs take away Starlin Casto’s dessert for a week. He also has to scorekeep for the JV volleyball team until Mrs. Sherwood gets back from sick leave.

If you like what you read, go back and read the rest here. Foul Paul! is posted on occasion during the offseason but will be back every Friday during the MLB season.


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Updated: November 13, 2013 — 9:50 am
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